Dick Sawmut:Corporate Recruiter

"Hey, we need to fill this Director of Marketing ASAP." VP Reed said to VP Gregory "We need someone who can stay under the gun and market our pharmaceuticals with the utmost efficiency and under touch deadlines. Got any ideas?"

"Well, not offhand. Tami Connelly is one candidate, but you think she can handle the pressure? It'd be difficult for us to put her to the test since she's an internal candidate," Gregory responded.

"You ever hear of Dick Sawmut?" Reed contemplates.

"No. Who is he?" Gregory inquired.

"Well, a friend of mine told me about him. He's kind of an eccentric. But he interviews people intensely. Breaks them down, if you will."

"Interesting. You thinking of having him interview Tami."

"Yeah. The only thing is that he charges $12,000 an interview."

"What? That's insane!. No way."

"Look, the CEO wants someone now. We have it in our budget. And if Tami fits the bill, then we'll save a little on hiring internally and the costs of advertising the position via newspapers and online websites and so forth."

"Well, I am curious to see this guy in action. Let's do it."

"Dick, Mark Reed here at APG Pharmaceuticals. We have a candidate for a Director of Marketing that needs an intense pressure interview."

"$12,000 cash. Meet me at 22nd and Park with a sheet containing her height, weight, social security number, work number, email address, emergency contacts, position description, and potential salary at 4:00 p.m. tomorrow."

"Ummm.Ok. I'll be there."

At 4:01 p.m, Reed shows up at 22nd and Park and sees a man in a trenchcoat, sunglasses and wearing black leather gloves.

"You're late. You got the money?"

"Yes. Look, how do I know you're going to go through with this?"

"If I don't, then I'll tie cinderblocks around my ankles and jump into the Atlantic off the boat named "The Sheeba"."

"Oh. Ok. When will you be able to make a decision?"

Sawmut grabs VP Reed by the throat and starts choking him. "By the end of the week. Does that work for you smart guy?"

"Yes, eckk, yes, that's fine."

"I'll be in touch." Sawmut releases his grip, gets in his car and speeds away.

"Jesus. What a freak."

"Hi Tami, this is Dick Sawmut. I hear you are interested in the Director of Marketing position at APG. I'd like to talk with you more about this opportunity. Are you willing to meet for lunch at Wing Zings tomorrow at noon?"

"Well, yes Mr. Sawmut, that would be wonderful. See you then."

Tami walks in looking very professional in a $1,000 business suit. Dick waves her over gently to a table near the big screen TV.

"Tami, Dick Sawmut, please to meet you."

"Please to meet you, sir."

"If you don't mind, I'm a little hungry. So let's order first."

"Hi folks, whaddaya having today?" the waitress politely asks.

"I'll have the salad and Ms. Tami Rita Connelly will have 12 wings."

"What kind of sauce?"

"What's the hottest you got?" Sawmut quickly resplies.

"Blazing, but I don't really recommend th" the waitress chuckles.

"Shut it. Blazing it is." Sawmut insists.

Tami and the waitress exchange puzzling glances and the waitress walks away.

"So, Tami, tell me about your qualifications for this position."

"Well, I've worked for APG for 6 years which is a long time in the pharmaceutical world. I have maintained and gained some of the biggest accounts in the mid-atlantic and am ready to take the next step in this company."

"Interesting."

"Here you go, one salad and 12 Blazing wings, and some napkins and water, " the waitress delivers.

"Oh, we won't be needing any napkins OR water.” Sawmut says glaring at the waitress.

"Um, ok. Whatever you say. Just let me know if you need anything else."

"Now, Tami tell me how those wings are."

Tami bites into one. Immediately, her face turns bright red and she starts coughing.

"So, Tami tell me how you can improve this company's marketing strategy."

"Eckk.Caaa—"

"Oh ,did you need to go to the ladies room? Go right ahead." Sawmut says pitifully sarcastic.

Tami knocks a chair over and bolts to the ladies room. The whole restaurant is looking in their direction.

Sawmut sets his stopwatch to 23 seconds. Once he hears it beep, he methodically gets up from the table. He walks over to the ladies room and kicks the door open.

"Get outta here!!!" he yells to a woman putting on mascara.

Sawmut walks over to the third stall and hears Tami gagging. He pulls out a container of lighter fluid and sprays it all over the floor.

"Tami. I know you're in there. Well, in the corporate world, when it's hot, it's hot. How are you gonna handle the pressure when your CEO is breathing down your neck.? Huh?"

"Pressure time Tami!" What's it gonna be? Do or DIE?"

He lights a match and sets the bathroom stall door on fire and calmly walks out of the bathroom, removes the fire extinguisher from outside the door, and exits the restaurant.

Tami is choking and can't breathe between the wing sauce and the smoke. She manages to climb over the stall door into the stall next to her. She crawls under the adjacent stall door but can't get out the way she came in. It's completely ablaze.

She takes off her heels and climbs through a small window near the ceiling by jumping off the sink. The restaurant is on the second floor, so she jumps in a dumpster below.

"Oh my god!" she screams. She lifts her head out of the dumpster and Sawmut's standing there with a shit-eating grin.

"Hurry! Get in the car!" he yells as he grabs her and throws her in the passenger seat of his old Crown Victoria.

"Now Tami, you did good. That was a tough situation to get out of."

Tami is finally catching her breath. Sawmut pulls onto the off-ramp of the freeway.

"Mr. Sawmut, you're going the wrong way!!!"

He speeds it up to 75 mph the wrong way on the freeway heading into oncoming traffic.

"Now, when Wall Street is against you and the boss ain't around, the question is, 'What are YOU going to do?"

Sawmut puts the car in cruise control. The car heads over an overpass and Sawmut opens the door and jumps out of the car.

"Good Luck Tami!" he yells as he disappears.

"Holy Shit!" Tami jumps over to the drivers's seat, slows down, and pulls a U-turn the split second before she is T-boned by an SUV. She pulls off the side of the road and places the car in park to calm herself down.

"TAMI! TAMI!"

"What the fuck?" She looks in the backseat and there's a walkie-talkie.

With her hands trembling, she picks up the walkie-talkie. "Yeesss?"

"The car will explode in 10 seconds. What are YOU going to do?"

She throws the walkie talkie down, opens the door. She dodges oncoming traffic and heads toward the jersey barrier in the middle of the freeway. She dives over it scraping her arm and wedges herself between the high speed lane and the barrier on the other side.

Instantly, the car explodes and pieces of metal are flying all over the highway. A car crashes 4 feet from Tami and a chunk of flying glass implants itself in the back of her calf. She limps across the other side to safety, through the woods, and finally to a pay phone.

"Should I call the cops? I really need that job." She says to herself. She decides to take a cab home and goes into work the next day.

"Hey Tami, what the hell happened to you?" Reed asks. "Anyway, congratulations. Sawmut called and said the interview went well. You got the position.Welcome to executive management"

Reed looks at Gregory, "I guess Sawmut gets it done after all."

He sure does. He sure does.