OK You Got Me; I've Never Really Seen That Show Me the Money Movie with Jerry McGuire in it.

By Lonnie Durand

The first time I saw her everything went into slow motion. Her name was Tammy and she was the most unique vision of beauty I'd ever seen. She was escorted into my life in the spring of 1996 by my supervisor Rick Danbury, a suave, cocky ladie's man, who I despised, although I didn't have the guts to show it.She began working diagonally from my workbench, and right away, I was entrigued and hanging on her every word. It wasn't everyday that such a beutiful girl came through the doors in this place, and I knew that by the first coffee break word would spread quickly of her, and the competition would soon be moving in. I needed to find my "in" and I needed it quick.She was working with Alice, who had come back from retirement just 2 years ago and now was working as our group leader. Listening in on their small talk I heard Tammy say that she wanted to see a new movie called Jerry McGuire. Bingo,I thought, and I was off, smooth as a hawk.

"Jerry McGuire, that movie was soooo fucking awwwesomme"

She glanced at me with an adorable look of confusion.

"What do you mean? Jerry McGuire doesn't come out until Friday"

"Yeah... well...I got this guy who can get me into movie's that didn't come out yet." Good save, I thought to myself. Stay cool Lonnie, Stay cool.

"Lonnie what are you talking about" spurted out Alice "The man at the movie theatre hasn't let you into a movie in 3 years. Remember he beat you up the last time you tried going to the movies. For dressing up like a lady and yelling at the pictures."

"Really?" Tammy asked.

"Oh yeah, Lonnie got so mad that they won't play that Rocky Road Horror show he likes so much that he said he was gonna stage a protest. He hung up all these flyers around town saying 'Viva la Rocky Road', and then he got all dressed up like a lady and went to the movies, and he was yellin and singin and people were just trying to watch the picture, you know the nice one with the Tom Hanks and the AIDS"

"DAMNIT ALICE IT's THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW" I yelled,"AND I DID SEE JERRY MCGUIRE, I SAW IT YESTERDAY YOU STUPID BITCHES"And with that I knew I put a minor setback on my first impression.

Alice left the room crying, and her oldest son Doug came running over. He grabbed me by my throat, called me a motherfucker and dropped me with one swift punch to the gut.That was the first time I got my ass kicked over Jerry Mcguire. Danbury pulled me off the floor and demoted me to working in the stock cage.Shortly after that, Doug and Tammy began dating.

There was nothing I could do to get closer to her. So I had to stick with what I knew she loved... Jerry McGuire.The fact was, I was banned from the local movie theatre. My driver's license had been suspended indefinately for multiple DUI charges, and it became clear that I would not be able to go to see the movie. So I did what any rational man would do. I spent all my free time drinking Zima and watching The Ricky Lake Show, just to see Jerry McGuire commercials. I knew I had to repair my reputation with Tammy, but now I was getting close...I was beginning to put the pieces together.

"Hey Tammy wait up" I said, following her as she walked past my stock cage on her way to the restroom.

"Hey I saw Jerry McGuire again last night, it was like the 10th time this week, 'Show Me The Money' ha ha ha..Right. I love that."

"Yeah I get it Donny, you like Jerry McGuire, now would you stop following me to the ladies room?"

"Well talk to the hand 'cause the face aint listenin'" I declared. I would not be deturred.
As time rolled by, I saw less and less of Tammy. Months had passed and soon they were no longer airing Mcguire ads. I had been drinking zima pretty heavily, everything was becoming a blur. I longed for the good old days when I was the man of Tammy's dreams. Speaking sweet nothings about her all time favorite movie would wisp her away, and I was the only one she knew who saw Jerry McGuire.I was lonely...desperate even, but not hopeless. I spoke only of Jerry McGuire to my co-workers knowing it would soon bring Tammy running back to me just as sure as the spring would free us from this incessant Winter. Then one day the hammer came crashing down hard.

"So Deniro goe's Show me the money to Jerry Lewis, right because he's his biggest fuckin fan and shit"

"Lonnie I'm not gonna tell you again to keep it down during the meeting". Fucking Danbury, I thought. Always trying to bring me down, but this time he couldn't. I'd been drinking zima all morning and was feeling too damn good. Besides it was just another quarterly meeting where we filed into the atrium and stood around like idiots. Same thing everytime, Ol' Man Caputano spews out the same figures..."1st quarter blah,blah,blah...2nd quarter growth is plummeting blah,blah,blah...3rd quarter comebacks blah,blah,blah...4th quarter projections are telling us Show Me the Money"

Wait, did he just steal my line? Did that motherfucker actually say Show me the money, and to add insult to injury the entire audience exploded with laughter. They know damn well that I'm the guy who says show me the money around here. What was this a conspiracy? Were they all out to get me. Possibly, I pondered, but no. They were all out to get Tammy. They ALL wanted her , and they caught wind that the way to her heart is through Jerry Mcguire.

"You Motherfuckers!" I shouted "You're trying to steal my woman." With that it was on. I pulled the zima I was nursing from under my sweatshirt and broke it over the back of Danburys head.As I made a rush straight for the podium with my broken zima bottle, I pushed Alice flat on her ass. Hopping over her, I noticed Tammy looking at me. I made the same dashing face that I pictured Jerry Mcguire making if he were in this situation and plowed right through old man Henderson. Only 10 more yards to the podium, and I could see security gearing up pretty heavy. Didn't matter, I was ready. What I wasn't ready for was the clothesline right to the windpipe I caught from Alice's son Doug. I hit the floor like a sack of potatoes, and received a barage of kicks to the head,face,chest, and legs. Everybody was in on it. First Doug, then Danbury, old man Henderson, Alice, even Tammy...oh my Tammy, why would she do this to the one she loved.I was taken away in an ambulance to the county's general hospital and released the next day to the custody of the chief of police. I was arrested, fired, and after violating a restraining order Tammy had placed against me, I was arrested again.

When I got out of jail, I was on the streets. Begging for money, I found myself resorting to the only thing I ever knew. Jerry McGuire. I would scream "Show me the Money" to strangers on the street, expecting a warm welcome to such a current reference, but as much time had passed I found that just scared people away. It was only when a case worker at the mission made me realize that I had a problem. I was not an honest man. I had to come clean to the world, as I am right now.So here it goes...My Name is Lonnie Durand, and I've never seen that show me the money movie with Jerry McGuire in it.