Dick Sawmut:Corporate Recruiter

"Hey, we need to fill this Director of Marketing ASAP." VP Reed said to VP Gregory "We need someone who can stay under the gun and market our pharmaceuticals with the utmost efficiency and under touch deadlines. Got any ideas?"

"Well, not offhand. Tami Connelly is one candidate, but you think she can handle the pressure? It'd be difficult for us to put her to the test since she's an internal candidate," Gregory responded.

"You ever hear of Dick Sawmut?" Reed contemplates.

"No. Who is he?" Gregory inquired.

"Well, a friend of mine told me about him. He's kind of an eccentric. But he interviews people intensely. Breaks them down, if you will."

"Interesting. You thinking of having him interview Tami."

"Yeah. The only thing is that he charges $12,000 an interview."

"What? That's insane!. No way."

"Look, the CEO wants someone now. We have it in our budget. And if Tami fits the bill, then we'll save a little on hiring internally and the costs of advertising the position via newspapers and online websites and so forth."

"Well, I am curious to see this guy in action. Let's do it."

"Dick, Mark Reed here at APG Pharmaceuticals. We have a candidate for a Director of Marketing that needs an intense pressure interview."

"$12,000 cash. Meet me at 22nd and Park with a sheet containing her height, weight, social security number, work number, email address, emergency contacts, position description, and potential salary at 4:00 p.m. tomorrow."

"Ummm.Ok. I'll be there."

At 4:01 p.m, Reed shows up at 22nd and Park and sees a man in a trenchcoat, sunglasses and wearing black leather gloves.

"You're late. You got the money?"

"Yes. Look, how do I know you're going to go through with this?"

"If I don't, then I'll tie cinderblocks around my ankles and jump into the Atlantic off the boat named "The Sheeba"."

"Oh. Ok. When will you be able to make a decision?"

Sawmut grabs VP Reed by the throat and starts choking him. "By the end of the week. Does that work for you smart guy?"

"Yes, eckk, yes, that's fine."

"I'll be in touch." Sawmut releases his grip, gets in his car and speeds away.

"Jesus. What a freak."

"Hi Tami, this is Dick Sawmut. I hear you are interested in the Director of Marketing position at APG. I'd like to talk with you more about this opportunity. Are you willing to meet for lunch at Wing Zings tomorrow at noon?"

"Well, yes Mr. Sawmut, that would be wonderful. See you then."

Tami walks in looking very professional in a $1,000 business suit. Dick waves her over gently to a table near the big screen TV.

"Tami, Dick Sawmut, please to meet you."

"Please to meet you, sir."

"If you don't mind, I'm a little hungry. So let's order first."

"Hi folks, whaddaya having today?" the waitress politely asks.

"I'll have the salad and Ms. Tami Rita Connelly will have 12 wings."

"What kind of sauce?"

"What's the hottest you got?" Sawmut quickly resplies.

"Blazing, but I don't really recommend th" the waitress chuckles.

"Shut it. Blazing it is." Sawmut insists.

Tami and the waitress exchange puzzling glances and the waitress walks away.

"So, Tami, tell me about your qualifications for this position."

"Well, I've worked for APG for 6 years which is a long time in the pharmaceutical world. I have maintained and gained some of the biggest accounts in the mid-atlantic and am ready to take the next step in this company."

"Interesting."

"Here you go, one salad and 12 Blazing wings, and some napkins and water, " the waitress delivers.

"Oh, we won't be needing any napkins OR water.” Sawmut says glaring at the waitress.

"Um, ok. Whatever you say. Just let me know if you need anything else."

"Now, Tami tell me how those wings are."

Tami bites into one. Immediately, her face turns bright red and she starts coughing.

"So, Tami tell me how you can improve this company's marketing strategy."

"Eckk.Caaa—"

"Oh ,did you need to go to the ladies room? Go right ahead." Sawmut says pitifully sarcastic.

Tami knocks a chair over and bolts to the ladies room. The whole restaurant is looking in their direction.

Sawmut sets his stopwatch to 23 seconds. Once he hears it beep, he methodically gets up from the table. He walks over to the ladies room and kicks the door open.

"Get outta here!!!" he yells to a woman putting on mascara.

Sawmut walks over to the third stall and hears Tami gagging. He pulls out a container of lighter fluid and sprays it all over the floor.

"Tami. I know you're in there. Well, in the corporate world, when it's hot, it's hot. How are you gonna handle the pressure when your CEO is breathing down your neck.? Huh?"

"Pressure time Tami!" What's it gonna be? Do or DIE?"

He lights a match and sets the bathroom stall door on fire and calmly walks out of the bathroom, removes the fire extinguisher from outside the door, and exits the restaurant.

Tami is choking and can't breathe between the wing sauce and the smoke. She manages to climb over the stall door into the stall next to her. She crawls under the adjacent stall door but can't get out the way she came in. It's completely ablaze.

She takes off her heels and climbs through a small window near the ceiling by jumping off the sink. The restaurant is on the second floor, so she jumps in a dumpster below.

"Oh my god!" she screams. She lifts her head out of the dumpster and Sawmut's standing there with a shit-eating grin.

"Hurry! Get in the car!" he yells as he grabs her and throws her in the passenger seat of his old Crown Victoria.

"Now Tami, you did good. That was a tough situation to get out of."

Tami is finally catching her breath. Sawmut pulls onto the off-ramp of the freeway.

"Mr. Sawmut, you're going the wrong way!!!"

He speeds it up to 75 mph the wrong way on the freeway heading into oncoming traffic.

"Now, when Wall Street is against you and the boss ain't around, the question is, 'What are YOU going to do?"

Sawmut puts the car in cruise control. The car heads over an overpass and Sawmut opens the door and jumps out of the car.

"Good Luck Tami!" he yells as he disappears.

"Holy Shit!" Tami jumps over to the drivers's seat, slows down, and pulls a U-turn the split second before she is T-boned by an SUV. She pulls off the side of the road and places the car in park to calm herself down.

"TAMI! TAMI!"

"What the fuck?" She looks in the backseat and there's a walkie-talkie.

With her hands trembling, she picks up the walkie-talkie. "Yeesss?"

"The car will explode in 10 seconds. What are YOU going to do?"

She throws the walkie talkie down, opens the door. She dodges oncoming traffic and heads toward the jersey barrier in the middle of the freeway. She dives over it scraping her arm and wedges herself between the high speed lane and the barrier on the other side.

Instantly, the car explodes and pieces of metal are flying all over the highway. A car crashes 4 feet from Tami and a chunk of flying glass implants itself in the back of her calf. She limps across the other side to safety, through the woods, and finally to a pay phone.

"Should I call the cops? I really need that job." She says to herself. She decides to take a cab home and goes into work the next day.

"Hey Tami, what the hell happened to you?" Reed asks. "Anyway, congratulations. Sawmut called and said the interview went well. You got the position.Welcome to executive management"

Reed looks at Gregory, "I guess Sawmut gets it done after all."

He sure does. He sure does.

Allright Fuzz: That cool cat Richard Branson almost said my '81 VW Rabbit is the best ride in the Universe

All right coppers you got me in here. That's right. But I won't tell you much cause I know how the fuzz operates. Well, it all started when I was coming back from Virginia Beach after surfing and hangin' for a week with my boys. I was driving on 64 in my money ride, my 1981 Volkswagon Rabbit. This puppy runs on biodiesel, man. I paid some dude to rig it from running on the old stink diesel it used to run on. So, I'm heading toward Jamestown and remember they're having the big 400th anniversary of the USA spectacle. It's a big deal, man. You should check it out. Well, then I got this vision. It was like divine invention, man. Mother Earth told me to kidnap someone famous at this big event and market my eco-friendly car to the world. She didn't like actually open up the sky and come down with big mountain tits and say in a deep dike voice, "GO KIDNAP SOMEONE AND TELL THE WORLD ABOUT YOUR RABBIT!" No, that would be just downright creepy and weird man. It was more of a combo of the windy trees, some mp3s of moe., and some spacy thoughts I was having from being sleep deprived all mixed into some kind of signal from outta space or inner Earth or both maybe.

So, I get to Jamestown and get a press pass from a friend of mine that's in this jamband (SkyRocket Rules!) whose sister works for a local newspaper and I get to this VIP party with all these hot shot beauracrats, stars, and philanthropists. So, anyway, I got in. I was surprised they let me in, because I had my Birkenstocks and Phish shirt on. They must have thought I was from some Freedom Ringin' magazine. I felt like Hunter S. Fucking Thompson, without the edge, ya know? So, I scope out the crowd and I see Richard Branson. I say, that's the English guy who owns Virgin Galactic, spaceships and shit. I know this because I googled the band Galactic before a show and the results returned Virgin Galactic. I went to his website and checked it out. Far out stuff. I said to myself, if anyone knows a good ride and can spread the word to the world, it's that dude. So, I introduce myself and get to talking to him about the Beatles and I slip a Roofie in his Champagne. When he starts to get drowsy, I told him where there was a place he could get some good fish and chips. He stumbled with me and I got him back to my Rabbit. I threw him in the back of my car and tied him up with a bunch of hemp necklaces I had from the Great Went festival years ago. Hemp's really strong you know. Bet you can't break it. Go ahead try…Well, it's probably worn out from Richard's wrists.

So, anyway he wakes up about 45 minutes later and he's like, "What's going on chap?" I said, "Listen, Rick, You're the voice of travel and own big ass companies. You gotta ride around with me and tell the world that my '81 Rabbit is the bomb, And that this car is the end all of global warming, man."

So, Ricky boy goes, "Well, I'm a proponent of preserving the environment and I am always willing to help a fellow. But to do anything I will need you to first untie me from these bloody knots."

That's when I got ballsy. I says, "Dude, You gotta promise not to try to run or nothing if I untie you."

He says, "Well, I'm an honest man and I can't promise you that."

So, I was like, "Thank you for being honest with me."

And he's like, "You're welcome."

And I says, "Would you like some Cheetos?"

And he goes, "No.",

And I'm like,"Why",

And he says, "Because.",

And I says, "Because why?",

And he's like,"Because I don't eat that American crap."

And I said, "Why not?"

And he says, "Because I don't like the taste. "

And I says, "Taste of what?"

And he's like, "Cheetos!"

And I was like, "But I'm the one holding them. Did you want some?"

He mumbled something , gave me a dirty look, and ignored me for what seemed like forever. It was really awkward man.

So, anyway, to make a long story short, we drive from Jamestown to Richmond. I know a fellow Phishhead that lives in Richmond , so I go to the cat's house at 11999 Plum St. and get some sweet bud. Me and this cat smoke up a bit and then I remember that Richard's in my car. I'm like, "Oh man!Richard's in my car." So, I goes into my car, and you know who's in it? Richard. So,I apologize for leaving him in there and I've got the munchies real bad at this point and scoot over to Ukrop’s. I ask him if he wants anything and he's says a cantaloupe. I was like that's cool, I can swing a ‘lope for my boy Richard.

So Ukrop’s has all that ready made shit, like marinated mushroom, greek salad, sushi, fresh fruit, organic cereal, sesame sticks, gardenburgers, all this vegan stuff, I mean it's a huge selection. Too huge. They got cantaloupes, melons, and honeydews, man. I couldn't tell the difference between them. I ended up asking some old lady about which ones were melons, and it just came out wrong and she hit me with her purse. Freakin' psycho! So anyway, I'm in there for like an hour and get like $100 worth the groceries. And when I'm in line, I'm like, "Oh man, Richard's still in my car!" I'm already cashing out at this point, so I gotta give the cashier the loot and everything. Well, the great thing about Ukrop’s is that they walk the groceries to your car because there were like 5 bags of stuff..

So, this bagger and I are walking to my car and talking about hot hippie chicks and shit and I get sidetracked and open the hatch to my Rabbit. And you know who's in there? Richard freaking Branson. He jumps outta the back and starts running and zigzagging around the parking lot with his hands tied. I said, "Hey Richard, come back here!! I got your cantaloupe." And he yells something like "it’s a grapefruit you stupid hippie!! " and jumps feet first into an empty shopping cart and cruises down Cary St. at like 20 mph. Unbelievable..Only Richard Branson can pull off escaping a kidnapping and look like he's having fun. You know I'm a fan of his now. I wish I spent more time with him. So, I guess he Houdinied out of those Hemp cuffs at some point and called you guys.

So, there you have it man. That sums up my brilliant, sinister plan and everyone will now know the smooth ride of my eco-friendly Rabbit. You can thank me later for reversing the vibe of global warming and saving Mother Earth. Hey, Ain't I supposed to get a lawyer or something man? I'm taking criminology at UVA, and I think I should have one by now.

Johnnie Loves Chachie

ABC Headquarters...Los Angeles, California...January, 2007...

ABC Development Executive, Peter Lyons, is quickly walking down the hall to his office, carrying a latte in his left hand, a blackberry in his right hand, and speaking into his hands free, as interns hustle to get out of his way.

"Look if David Spade wants the gig, he does it our way. Period."(long pause)" I don't know. Go hunt down John Ritters kid, he can't be worse than his old man was. I gotta go, you take care of Spade." Lyons cuts off the phone as he reaches his secretary,and places his latte on her desk. "Kelly cancel all my appointments this afternoon and book me a reservation at.."

"Mr Lyons, I'm sorry... it's Gary Marshall, he just walked in and he wouldn't take no.."

"Marshall... aww shit Kelly." He gives her a dirty look and turns his back to her as he walks into his office.She attempts to hand him his latte.
"I'm sorry Mr. Lyons he wouldn't take no..."

"Gary you old dog you. You look great!"says Lyons as he closes the door in her face.

"Little Peter Lyons. I still can't believe you're all grown up and running the big leagues now. How's you're uncle Teddy doing these days?"

Gary gets up and walks over to Peter with his arms extended.

"Hey you know Teddy.." Peter greets him with open arms and hugs him as though he were hugging a long lost relative that he would rather have just lost. He looks over Gary's shoulder and see's Scott Baio sitting in the chair in front of his desk. "You brought Baio."

"That's not all I brought, Peteyboy." Gary slaps a script down on Peters desk as he wears a smile from ear to ear. Both men take a seat. Baio remains seated, as he never stood up in the first place.

"A script? Listen, Gary, it's a little late in the season to develop a pilot for sweeps.."

"Who's talking sweeps? I already wrote the whole series. You can have the first thirteen episodes in time for your fall lineup."

"Kelly bring me my latte please." Peter says into the intercom, trying to buy himself some time. She rushes right in and places it on a coaster. "Thanks Kelly. Gentlemen, can I offer you a coffee?"

"None for me sweetheart, I'm cutting back." Gary says to Kelly while boldly smiling.

"I'll take a Heineken." Scott Baio says. Peter and Kelly look at each other puzzled.

"Kelly... get Mr. Baio a Heineken."

"Yes Mr. Lyons," she says and leaves the room.

"Peter do you remember when you was little, and your uncle Teddy and I took you to see Star Wars?"

"Actually no, you never took me to see Star Wars. Listen, your here, you got a script.Dazzle me. Lets hear it."

"It's a good thing you're sitting down Peter 'cause this one's gonna knock you right out of your socks."

"And I'm guessing it involves our friend Baio here. Let me guess Chachie's in Charge?" Says Peter, smuggly, as he takes a deep swig of his latte. Savoring the moment, as he's always wanted to use that joke.

"Not on your life. It's called Johnnie loves Chachie."

Peter sprays his desk with the latte he was attempting to swallow, and begins talking through a coughing fit.

"Did you say (coughs three times) herrumph, did you say Johnnie loves Chachie?"

"It all comes full circle Peter. In the 70's and 80's we were introduced to Chachie. We saw him grow up before our eyes, but Chachie was in the 50's. Now, well just look at Scotty, he's in his forties. Which puts Chachie in the 70's. Right where we were when it all started and asking ourselves, I wonder what Chachie's doing nowadays."

"So you want me to fill a spot on ABC's fall lineup for the 07-08 season, with a Happy Days spinoff?... No way!"

"Peter, hear me out here for Chrissakes. We got a chance to open a new chapter on one of the all-time great American stories. I've been waiting 30 years to tell this story."

"So you're saying that Happy Days was a just a build up to Johnnie Loves Chachie?"

"I couldn't have put it better myself." Gary stands and begins pacing around the office as he talks, growing more excited as he pitches his story. "Now we all know that the Happy Days saga ends with Chachie marrying Joanie during Joanie Loves Chachie. And they all lived happily ever after right?...Wrong!! So what happened? The 60's happened. Vietnam happened. And Chachie being the patriotic American he was, enlisted in the Army. When he comes back from the war, the country has changed,Joanie's changed, Chachie can't handle it, so he drinks. Joanie can't handle Chachie, so she splits. So now where are we?..." He turns to Peters desk and shoots his arms straight forward as if to say tada through his body language "The Seventies!!"

"You gotta be kidding me, right? Did my Uncle Teddy put you up to this?"

The smile which devoured Gary's face quickly turns to a stone cold stare.

"Peter, I love you like a nephew, but if you don't quit fucking around and start listening to me, I'm gonna sock you right in the nose!!"

"Is that so?!?! You're standing in my office, pitching me a Happy Days spin-off, thirty years after the start of Happy Days, that starts off with Chachie as a divorced, alcoholic, vietnam vet, and if I'm reading into the title of this thing correctly, he also turns gay!!!... and I'm the one who's fucking around? This is ridiculous. Nobody wants to see another Happy Days show, ABC barely touches sitcoms these days anyway."

"This is no sitcom Peter, it's an edgey drama.Like Greys Anatomy. Now let's just settle down and take a look at the script, I know you'll love it. Scotty I'm gonna need you to help me with some of these lines."

Gary sits down and puts on his reading glasses.

"Backdrop: New York City, 1977. A crowd gathers outside Studio 54. Enter stage left Chachie, wearing his battered Army jacket and faded jeans. His overgrown moustache sways in the wind as he cuts the line and approaches the doorman. I'll read this part Scotty, you just read for Chachie.

Doorman: 'Hey there Sugarnuts, what you got for me?'..."

Chachie"How's the best PCP on the island sound to you?"

Doorman: "Sounds like you got a ticket to the love train honey. Woo-Woo'. The doorman pulls his right arm down like a train conductor blowing a whistle, while his left hand makes the PCP handoff. Chachie enters the nightclub. Wideshot of disco dancers, disco dancin' to the song Love Train. Wideshot of the DJ booth shows Johnny picking up a record while spinning on rollerskates and wearing short shorts and a wifebeater."

Chachie:"Hey you got any Donna Sommers in there?"

Johnny: "Of course I do Babycakes."

Chachie: "Whats your name?"

Johnny: "My names Johnny...Johnny Fernandes."

Chachie: "My names Chachie. Hey you want to meet me at the glory hole sometime?"

"THAT'S IT!!!" Lyons screams"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE, BOTH OF YOU!!!"

"Peter what's wrong with you?" Gary asks

"What's wrong with me!?! Johnny Loves Chachie? PCP? Glory holes.? My answer is NO,NO,NO!! Now get out both of you."

"Hey how's Mrs. Lyons these days Pete? I don't see much of her around these days." Baio chimes in."I mean, I see a lot of you around all the hotspots, but not Mrs. Lyons. Hey who's that young girl you always got with you when I see you, Trudy is it? Trudy? No, it's not Trudy, that's right it's Tracy. She's quite a looker Gary, here check out this shot of them on my cell phone."

Peter looks emotionally drained as he stares across his desk to see the second stone cold stare of the day, this time coming from Scott Baio. Gary is wide eyed shaking his head, yes, and smiling larger than ever, as he pats Baio on his knee.

"Good boy Scotty. You were always one of the good ones."


.................Fade in From Black.............................
Fade in reveals a shot of a young Chachie standing next to the Fonze on Happy Days
Announcer: You watched him grow up on Happy Days
Second shot shows clip of Joanie Loves Chachie
Announcer: You watched him fall in love on Joanie Loves Chachie..Now this Fall it all comes full circle...

Queue the music: 90's pop ballad "Crazy" from Aerosmith.
Quick shots of Chachie snorting an unknown substance, disco dancing in his army jacket, and hugging Jon Stamos
Announcer: executive producer Gary Marshall, the creator of Happy Days, brings us the final chapter in the Happy Days Saga.

Cut to scene of Chachie being spooned by Johnnie.
Chachie: "I wish I could quit you"
Johnnie: " I can't quit you either Chach."
Chachie: "I was talking to the PCP"

Announcer: Scott Baio as Chachie. and Jon Stamos as Johnny.

cuts to black screen.

Announcer: Johnnie Loves Chachie. Only on ABC

Shot of the ABC logo.

Fade to black.