The Redneck Afficianado Netflix Reviews vol. 2

Dear Netflix,

I realize that you are a strictly mail order service, but I was hoping that we could work out some sort of pick up method, as I am currently a wanted fugitive after watching the 1985 classic 'Spies Like Us.'

Spies Like Us stars Dan Akroyd and Chevy Chase in the tale of 2 CIA pencil pushers who become decoys in a foreign intelligence operation.From the time they are deployed to the deserts of Afghanistan to the climax in Siberia, pure hillarity ensues.

In case your tracing my rental records to see why Spies Like Us was never in my queue, well I can explain. I currently do not have a mailbox, and the local post office will not let me pick up my mail if I am not accompanied by my probation officer, so I had to send my wife "Mrs. Romantic Comedy lover from RI" to rent it from Hollyweird Video,after she had tried to tell me that 'the Good Shephard' was the greatest CIA movie ever made, and I wasn't about to have HER tell ME nothin'!!

As I began watching the film it occured to me that I had really only seen the film once, during my famous "lost weekend" of '85,which technically was just a 72 hr blackout which began around happy hour in downtown Richmond, and continued until I came to in a St. Louis cineplex with no pants in sight and the name Roxanne tattoed on my ass. But that's not important to this review right now. What is important is that I did not recall all the obscene language, sexual innuendo's, and scenes with girls in there underwear. I found this completely unacceptable for a PG movie, and by my 11th Lynchburg Lemonade I demanded action. After writing several unreturned emails to the swift boat veterans for truth within an hour demanding a boycott of every film directed by Jon Landis except the Blues Brothers 2000, I decided I was gonna go on down there to the that Hollyweird video and show them who's boss.

I demanded my wife give me the keys to the Rangerover, but as usual she locked herself in the kids bedroom and called the police after I lit the door on fire Jim Morrison style. What a typical Northerner I thought as I ran through the river in the woods behind my house.

As I ran a half mile in the waste deep water, not only was I confident that if the police were tracking me with German Shephards the river would lose my scent, unlike the incident that led me to the Blue Ridge mountains after watching "A leage of their own", but I was also confident that I could make it to Hollyweird video on foot before closing.

Was I ever wrong...

I made it to the Robius plaza sometime after 4:AM, to find the store had closed, and the parking lot empty. I decided the most reasonable thing to do was climb onto the roof and bust through a heating duct so I could ambush the unsuspecting manager as he opened up in the morning.

I spotted a dumpster conveniently placed next to a telephone poll, and the wires ran a measly 30 yards right to the roof. I climbed the dumpster which brought me to the first rung on the poll,and I was soon at the top. Unfortunately my attempt to pull a tightrope act across the wires was probably a poor decision. I fell into the dumpster, and dislodged both my collarbones. At this time, I decided to take a break. I fell asleep, using half a head of a discarded cabbage for a pillow.

I awoke with a hell of a hangover in the back of a garbage truck that was making a pickup at the end of a culdesac. "Holy Shit theres a body in here" I heard the garbageman yell to his driver who replied that he was calling the police. This would not go over well with my probation officer I thought.

Luckily there was a Crown Royal bottle lodged into my back that I used to knock him unconscience (and the liberal yankees say it's good to recycle- please). After some good scrapping I was able to knock out the driver and throw them both in the back of the truck and take the wheel. "I'm taking this baby to Alaska" I thought, and I was on my way. It was until I began cruising the FM dial in hopes of hearing Paul McCartneys title track "Spies Like Us" that I lost control of the wheel, and drove the highjacked garbage truck straight across a suburban side road, onto a lawn and into the side of a house. (ironically enough,it was MY house)

So back in the river I went....

Despite my forementioned issues with this films language, and the resulting situation leading me to be back on the lamb and seperated from my wife and family again, I'm gonna have to go ahead and give this movie a solid 5 stars. I tell ya, I've been thinking about Chevy and Dan every night since I rented Spies Like Us, and I think I may have laughed the Roxanne right off my ass.

And lastly, I just want to throw an idea at you. I'm on the lamb, can't get my mail, and lets just say I aint exactly welcome at Blockbuster or Hollyweird video these days for reason's I'd prefer not to discuss. If you could get an intern to drop off my rentals with a guy named McClain, serves bar down at Double T's, well let's just say I'd be willin' to up my rentals to the 2 ata time plan for the troubles if you catch my drift.

Let me know.