Count Groovula: The Psychadelic Bloodsucker
An Expose on the latest threat to the youth of America
by Gordon T. Appollo
Meet George and Pauline Faulkner. They are a typical couple in these modern times...George a forklift operator at a local automobile plant while Pauline makes a fine homemaker.
They sit in the parlor of their modest house in the suburban outskirts of Detroit, holding a picture of their oldest son Lenny.
Like so many parents in 1967, George and Pauline have not seen their oldest Son in quite some time. They stay awake late into the night worrying about his where abouts and general wellbeing;George punching doors while Pauline clutches her Rosary Beads.
The reason for all this worry? Well let's just say that he's not honorably fighting off the Communist Reds in Vietnam. No, like many of our nations troubled youth, Lenny grew his hair long like a girl and started listening to Rock groups like Strawberry Alarm Clock and the Dave Clark Five.Not long after that, Lenny ran off to San Francisco, seeking to sabotage the American way of life.
And George and Pauline are not alone in their distress...
The numbers of teenagers who have deserted their families to join the hippy counterculture in the last year have been staggering. It has been estimated that by 1971, 87% of American's between the ages of 14 to 29 will be living on the streets of San Francisco. And once they get there, they will be introduced to a life of excessive indulgance in Pyschadelic drugs, such as Morning Glory Seeds, Magic Mushrooms, and the dreaded LSD 25.
And as if that isn't a terrifying notion enough, there is a new threat facing the estimated 2 million teenagers that have fled to the Height Ashbury disctrict of San Francisco. And this new threat has locked it's sights on the jugular of the "love generation".
Since 1622 Count Vladimir the XIV has lived an almost urban legend like existince of an Eastern European vampire. Today,he goes by the name Count Groovula, and he spends his nights lurking the streets of the Height Ashbury disctrict searching for victims. Specifically young runaway's trying to break in to the hippy scene.
I recently sat down with both George and Pauline, as well as Count Groovula for an exclusive interview. I feel it is my duty to warn you, this interview will terrify you to your very CORE!
"George, Pauline...let me thank you for letting me into your home, and may I extend my deepest sympathy.It must be very hard for you to face your neighbors."
"Thank you Sir." Replied George
"Now, I must warn you I will be introducing you to Count Groovula in just a few minutes, but first... tell me about Lenny."
"Well Lenny always was a good boy, and we hope he's alright.Lenny if your reading this we love you, please just come home." Pauline stated before her husband interrupted.
"He's a GODDAMN BUM!!
"What's that now?" I asked
"You heard me!...LENNY! He's A NO GOOD BUM!!And when he comes home with his tail between his legs he's gonna get the BELT SO HARD THAT HE'S GONNA..."
"GEORGE!! Please this is going to be in Life Magazine." Pauline pleaded
"I'm sorry Honey. It's just that I get so GODDD-DAMMMN FRUSTRATED!!!IF YOU'RE READING THIS LENNY, I KNOW YOU'RE ON THE POT!!"George then stood and paced back and forth,rubbing his hands through his receeding hairline."Jesus Christ, I knew letting him watch that fuckin Ed Sullivan Show was a bad idea...I OUGHTTA KICK ED SULLIVAN's ASS YOU KNOW!! I REALLY OUGHTA JUST KICK SULLIVAN'S..."
"GEORGE PLEASE THAT'S ENOUGH!!" His wife insisted.
After a brief moment to let George cool down I sent my assistant Johnny to get Count Groovula who had been patiently waiting in the Faulkners garage.
The count made his way into the parlor; his presence nothing short of horrifying.
He still wears his traditional 17th century suit,which he has now completely tie-dyed with a bright purple cape. He flashes his fangs and a peace sign at the time...truly terrifying.
"Count Vladimir"I started
"My name is COUNT GROOVULA"
"OK, Count Groovula it is then. How long have you been living in San Francisco?"
"Since 19 hundred and 65. Right after I started listening to those DAMN ROLLING STONES the kids like so much."
"I'm sorry, but Count, you look so familiar. Where do I know you from?" Pauline interrupted.
"You don't know me. You DEFINITELY DON'T KNOW ME" He replied
"Tell us Count Groovula, what is it like being a vampire in San Francisco?" I asked.
"Are you kidding me Buster? San Francisco is really the cat's Meow."
"UMMM don't you mean it's Far Out COUNT GROOVULA?!?!"
"Right...Right on. San Francisco is Far Out."
"And just what is so "FAR OUT" about San Francisco."
"Look it's real easy for a fella like me out there. I see one of those damn long hairs, I bite his neck and then I'm high on LSD all night. What's not far out about that?"
"I'll tell you what's not "FAR OUT" about that! You got these mixed up kids who are out wandering around these San Francisco flop house's, and before they're even able to come to their sense's they're murdered by Vampires in some dark alley."
"Well hey, I don't always kill them. Some of them just turn into vampires too."
"So you're not the only hippy vampire out there?"
"Oh no. Not anymore. I was at first. And then I bit this one young fella's neck who was on Acid, and it got ME stoned too. I spent the whole night grooving out to Strawberry Alarm Clock and the Dave Clark Five. The next day I realized that I had stumbled upon LSD, and all it takes is one trip to get addicted."
"If you had to guess, Count Groovula, just how many hippy vampires are now living in San Francisco?"
"Oh...I don't know. I guess about 60,000 or so."
"That is a truly terrifying thought."
"Of course it is. To a SQUARE like YOU!!"
"I GOT IT, St. Theresa's right!! You're the man that used to sit near the back and try to sneak out early" Pauline interrupted
"Look, Lady I told you don't know me now quit yer pesterin'." Replied Groovula
"Getting back to the interview"I continued" Recent rumors have circulated at an attempt to discredit tales of kids under the influence of an acid trip jumping off of buildings because they thought they could fly. Have YOU ever jumped from a building thinking you could fly due to a bad LSD trip?"
"OH YEAH,All the time!! but I just turn into a bat. But I've seen lots of kids jump off of buildings while they were on....hey listen. I aint had a bite all day, I see you got some powdered doughnuts on the counter. Would you mind if i just grab one Mrs. Faulkner? Is that alright with you Appollo, lets take 5 huh?"
"UMM NO COUNT GROOVULA, VAMPIRES ONLY DRINK BLOOD REMEMBER?!?!" I reminded Groovula
"Hey Fuck you Buster, I'm taking five for a doughnut and a smoke.You got any beers in there George?"
"OH MY GOD YOU'RE WALTER MATHAU!! That's how I know you. Can you believe it George, Walter Matthau is in our home."
"Well Holy Smoke, it IS Walter Matthau!! Wait'll I tell the guys at the plant."
"I'm NOT WALTER MATTHAU, I'M COUNT GROOVULA."
"Yes that's right, this is the dreaded Count Groovula, the latest terror to our nations youth." I added
"We just LOVED you in 'A Guide For the Married Man'."Pauline added
"OH YEAH THAT WAS A REAL HOOT!!Great job Matthau"
"Look for the last time my name is COUNT GROOVULA I'm a hippy vampire from San Francisco, NOT WALTER MATTHAU."
"Pauline get the camera let's get a picture with Matthau. Boy is your old man gonna be jealous."
"It's true, my father is such a fan of your work."
I attempted to regain control of the interview
"Look lets settle down and get back to the interview with Count Groovula, please Pauline, just put the camera away, the man's a vampire he doesn't show up on film."
"Oh to hell with it. Johnny take me to the Bus Stop." Groovula stated as he walked out without saying goodbye.
I now fear the worse, as Groovula has evaded my original plans to set him up to be arrested and is on his way back to San Francisco where the crime rate is so high, there is virtually no way of apprehending a murderer.
So to the parents of American teenagers I'll just say this; I urge you to stop your kids from joining the hippy counterculture. If not for the sake of their own lives, for the sake of the country. After all, there are now an estimated 60,000 vampires living in the U.S. all thanks to those DAMN LONGHAIRS.
