The Devil vs. Gene Shalett
In honor of the upcoming election, I'd like to take some questions from our listeners regarding some of the issues. Here we have 2 experts who are well-known and not affiliated with any party. First, we have The Devil. Known to many as Lucifer, the Devil has a degree from Duke University and has a long record, from attempting to assassinate the Pope and introducing reality shows to American television. Second, we have Gene Shallett. Gene is a world-reknown movie critic famous for his humorous reviews on early morning shows. Genetleman, good evening. Our first call is from Sandra in Nebraska. She asks, "How would unite the country and eliniate partisanship" Devil, I'll start with you.
"Thanks Bobby. Well, I think the key to unity in this country is cocaine. Now, I know what you are thinking. Oh, it's just the devil being the devil and whatever he says isn't true. Well that's BULLSHIT REEGER! Anyway, cocaine is the only thing that white, god fearing aristocrats and poor black people have in common. They all like it. One sells to the other. It's simple. This would in turn increase our participation in NAFTA and relations with Colombia an put additional pressure on the Socialist government of Venezuela led by Hugo Chavez, tax immigrants smuggling cocaine in the US, and increase productivity.
"Interesting."
Gene?
"Well, Apparently the Devil wears Prada, because the last time Cocaine did anything for us was Tommy Boy. Listen I'm all for Pumping Up the Volume in the West Wing, but when you start letting Drugstore Cowboys hang out Where the Buffalo Roam then you got Problem Child 2. I think the Short Circuit in this country is related to one Thing. That's ignoring the Buddy System. Sure, we have Irreconcilable Differences but if our Children of the Corn unite with our City Slickers then we can become friends. You might say we have Nothing in Common, however, Trading Places for one minute will make all our differences Gone in 60 seconds.
Another viewer asked how do we tackle terrorism while also building our economy. This is from Jake in California.
Devil, I"ll start with you.
"Gene, if it weren't for my love for the smell of popcorn, you'd be a goner. And that deal we made regarding your Fame, it's off! Terrorism is cool man. I haven't had this much fun since the medieval times. It's like and action movie for me. People Blowing up each other. What a rush. Makes me want to do what I talked about in my first answer. As for the economy. I don't go there. I can make people rich and poor but the economy is like a boring version of me making you bet your house on a roulette wheel. Actually, it's kind of inhumane, if you ask me. My style is quick. I make you a rock star, you become rich and famous. Next thing you're broke and doing covers of your own songs at Happy Hour at Chili's. So, I don't know. It's just kind of not my genre."
Gene?
"Well, terrorism is a tricky thing. We have our Delta Forces infiltrating Behind Enemy Lines. It's the terrain, mountinaous. These Hills have Eyes I tell you. And when we engage the Village, sometimes these foreigners are Unfaithful. When W. said Bring It On. He meant every word of it. Those terrorists were Running Scared in Every Which Way But Loose. They have Nowhere to Run and No Way Out. So, our Warriors must be the Brave One and your average Joe Dirt and Private Benjamin have to get Bustin' Loose. Cause if they don't use their wits, they'll be Better Off Dead What we need is for these Leatherheads to come home to the American dream. For a Universal Soldier that was Born in East L.A., to come home to a job at DC Cab or even become a Mr. Mom watching the House and Kids while their wife is working at Mystic Pizza from 9 to 5 is the Best of the Best."
Mike from Brownsville Texas asks our commentators, 'controlling the borders is not only an issue of national security, but it also poses as a drain on our economy. What would you do to help secure our Borders.' I would actually like to let Mr. Shallett give the first response. Gene...
"When The Mexican feels a little Footloose and decides that Coming to America will be A Walk to Remember, make no mistake, these people ain't Searching for Bobby Fisher, they're after Easy Money. Problem is it's rightfully Other Peoples Money. And it won't take long before these Wonderboys starting getting a little Stir Crazy and start looking for some Hanky Panky. Soon enough your daughter's KNOCKED UP, and you find yourself GOING APES. But when the government's attempt to deport these Aliens turns into a Failure to Launch, good Americans like You, Me, and Dupree start feeling like Tough Guys and agree it's time to go Commando. So much so that we start spend so much time committed to the cause that we're practically Married To The Mob. So you tell these Ruthless People I think it's time for you to be Leaving Las Vegas, but they say Not Without My Daughter and now your locked in a real Catch 22. It's Risky Business for sure, but as Americans We gotta let these Meatballs know...they're the Outsiders.
Devil, would you like to respond? Devil?
"It looks like the Devil is in some type of Coma. I'd say this debate was a Victory for Shallet. I can't answer any more questions anyway. I left my daughter Home Alone. I have to make a call but my Cell is not working. I can't call from the Phone Booth down there because there are Men At Work making too much noise. So, I'll have to get a Taxi and probably am going to get stuck in Rush Hour. So, thank you for your time. I have to Go."
"There you have it. We'll see you next in the next round with Shallet vs. the next contender. Don't forget to vote on November 4th."
