Nuclear Walkman-Man
David Thorne was an MIT student doing an internship at the Northeastern Nuclear Power Research Center during the great radiation leak of 1988. While the alarms blared, and the facility was evacuated, young David sat through the entire incident, unaware of the catastrophy he was enduring. He never heard the alarms because he had his walkman on full volume; a mixed tape of Huey Lewis and the News kept him distracted. By the time he made it out of the toxic site he was devoured by radio-active molecules which had permanently fused his DNA with the now SUPER-CHARGED walkman; the batteries of which would NEVER DIE.
David survived the incident and went on to become a world renown scientist, despite the fact that the incident had left him with his walkman permanently fused into his writing hand.The Huey Lewis mix tape blares through the headphones he can never remove from his ears to this very day.Brilliant, resilliant, radioactive. David Thorne IS......Nuclear Walkman-Man!!!
We join our hero at a commencement ceremony welcoming him to his new job as a librarian at the East Greenwich Public Library in East Greenwich Rhode Island.
Governor Don Carcieri puts on a shit eating grin and takes the podium as onlookers including the class of 2010 at the East Greenwich middle school look on...
"Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls, and all-round friends of the Library, It is with my deepest honor today to welcome the world renowned nuclear physicist David Thorne into our community as an ambassador to our educational and cultural resources and development."
As the crowd burst into applause, 13 year old Charlie Majors stands with his best friend Dyllan Johnson and begin joking around as they try to kill the boredom of this field trip to their town library.
"Dude I dare you to call the Governor a douchebag." says Charlie
"No way, I'll totally get busted. You do it. You haven't had inhouse all month."
"Give me a buck and I'll do it."
"Deal"
"And as proud governor of the Ocean State I made sure those workers lost their pensions, which are now paying for such things as snacks to be served at today's event..."
"DOUCHEBAG"
The Governors shit eating grin grew twice as large as he gave a thumbs up to the crowd.
"Let's cut to the chase and welcome the REAL man of honor here today, Please welcome, YOUR NEW LIBRARIAN, Proffessor David Thorne"
The crowd burst into applause as this prestigous member of the scientific community was welcomed into their local community. As David came out waving his walkman hand "hello" to the audience, the applause grew to an awkward silence. Governor Carcieri reached out to shake David's hand and was met in return with his walkman, which he shook while pretending to get an electric shock from. The shit eating grin came back for this sure-fire photo-op, and the crowd grew completely silent from their own shock and braced themselves for Davids acceptace speech.
David made his way to the podium but tried to gauge where to stand, slightly self conscious of the fact that the noise of the walkman would not only blare over the speakers, but also aware of his own habit of constantly yelling over his Walkman. He found his spot and dove right in.
"THANK YOU EAST GREENWICH, IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE HERE, GREAT TO BE A LIBRARIAN, GREAT TO BE YOUR LIBRARIAN I SHOULD SAY"
IT'S HIP TO BE SQARE....HIP TO BE SQUAARE
Governor Carcieri quickly cuts in to his space to wrap up the ceremony.
"And the State of Rhode Island thanks you David. Now let's go enjoy the library everyone. HECK, I might even rent a DVD - HA,HA,HA" - the shit eating grin was larger then ever as he attempted to cut the awkward tension of the now bewildered crowd."Lets get the hell out of here" he then whispered to his assistant and was quickly driven away in the back of a Limo.
Inside the library David took his post behind the main desk. He folded his arms to make his presence known - he would be a no nonsense Librarian.
The Middle School kids as well as the adults browsed for books and as he came near they buried their face in the first book in front of him, all but two people did that...Charlie and Dyllan.
David made his way to the 2 class clowns who were sitting at a table sending obscene text messages to their female classmates and laughing, disturbing the other readers.
"HEY THIS IS A LIBRARY THERES NO CLOWNING AROUND IN HERE. PEOPLE ARE HERE TO READ AND YOUR DISTURBING THEM, SO KEEP IT DOWN."
-Where else can you do a half a million things, all at a quarter to three
"I'm sorry I can't hear you buddy you want to turn that IPOD down"
"IPOD!! WHAT THE...IPOD!!! YOU LITTLE MOTHERFUCKERS!!"
"Hey, Hey, that's enough." chimed in Ms. Williams, the boys Science teacher and field trip chaperone.
"WELL THEY STARTED IT."
"I don't care WHO started you don't talk to my students like that."
"WHAT DO YOU JUST LET THEM RUN BUTT FUCKER WILD OR SOMETHING? I MEAN WHAT KIND OF TEACHER ARE YOU ANYWAYS LADY? YOU KNOW BACK AT MIT WHEN I WAS A PROFFESSOR SOME FUCKING JACKASS MADE A FACE AT ME, YOU KNOW MAKING FUN OF ME, MAKING FUN OF HUEY LEWIS,I DON'T KNOW, MAKING FUN OF SOMETHING, AND I STALKED HIM FOR A MONTH UNTIL I FOUND HIM AT A BAR IN CAMBRIDGE AND I SLASHED THE TIRES ON HIS WHELLCHAIR"
-Don't take money, don't take fame, don't take no credit card to ride on this train...
"Ohh myyy Goddd, you are a lunatic Mister and I'm gonna petition to have you fired from this library."
"HA! GOOD LUCK WITH THAT! YOU CAN'T FIRE ME I GOT CARCIERI IN MY BACK POCKET COMPLETELY PAYING HIM OFF HAVE BEEN EVER SINCE I MET HIM WHEN WE GAVE THE GRADUATION SPEECH FOR BROWN UNIVERSITY IN 2004! I OWN CARCIERI. HE'S MY BITCH, AND NOW YOU KNOW BUT WHO WILL EVER BELIEVE YOU!!!"
It was then that David remembered he was yelling over a walkman in front of a room full of witnesses and the entire library grew completely silent...
-Yes it's truuuueee
- I'm So Happy to be Stuck With You...
