The Devil vs. Gene Shalett

In honor of the upcoming election, I'd like to take some questions from our listeners regarding some of the issues. Here we have 2 experts who are well-known and not affiliated with any party. First, we have The Devil. Known to many as Lucifer, the Devil has a degree from Duke University and has a long record, from attempting to assassinate the Pope and introducing reality shows to American television. Second, we have Gene Shallett. Gene is a world-reknown movie critic famous for his humorous reviews on early morning shows. Genetleman, good evening. Our first call is from Sandra in Nebraska. She asks, "How would unite the country and eliniate partisanship" Devil, I'll start with you.



"Thanks Bobby. Well, I think the key to unity in this country is cocaine. Now, I know what you are thinking. Oh, it's just the devil being the devil and whatever he says isn't true. Well that's BULLSHIT REEGER! Anyway, cocaine is the only thing that white, god fearing aristocrats and poor black people have in common. They all like it. One sells to the other. It's simple. This would in turn increase our participation in NAFTA and relations with Colombia an put additional pressure on the Socialist government of Venezuela led by Hugo Chavez, tax immigrants smuggling cocaine in the US, and increase productivity.

"Interesting."

Gene?

"Well, Apparently the Devil wears Prada, because the last time Cocaine did anything for us was Tommy Boy. Listen I'm all for Pumping Up the Volume in the West Wing, but when you start letting Drugstore Cowboys hang out Where the Buffalo Roam then you got Problem Child 2. I think the Short Circuit in this country is related to one Thing. That's ignoring the Buddy System. Sure, we have Irreconcilable Differences but if our Children of the Corn unite with our City Slickers then we can become friends. You might say we have Nothing in Common, however, Trading Places for one minute will make all our differences Gone in 60 seconds.

Another viewer asked how do we tackle terrorism while also building our economy. This is from Jake in California.

Devil, I"ll start with you.

"Gene, if it weren't for my love for the smell of popcorn, you'd be a goner. And that deal we made regarding your Fame, it's off! Terrorism is cool man. I haven't had this much fun since the medieval times. It's like and action movie for me. People Blowing up each other. What a rush. Makes me want to do what I talked about in my first answer. As for the economy. I don't go there. I can make people rich and poor but the economy is like a boring version of me making you bet your house on a roulette wheel. Actually, it's kind of inhumane, if you ask me. My style is quick. I make you a rock star, you become rich and famous. Next thing you're broke and doing covers of your own songs at Happy Hour at Chili's. So, I don't know. It's just kind of not my genre."

Gene?

"Well, terrorism is a tricky thing. We have our Delta Forces infiltrating Behind Enemy Lines. It's the terrain, mountinaous. These Hills have Eyes I tell you. And when we engage the Village, sometimes these foreigners are Unfaithful. When W. said Bring It On. He meant every word of it. Those terrorists were Running Scared in Every Which Way But Loose. They have Nowhere to Run and No Way Out. So, our Warriors must be the Brave One and your average Joe Dirt and Private Benjamin have to get Bustin' Loose. Cause if they don't use their wits, they'll be Better Off Dead What we need is for these Leatherheads to come home to the American dream. For a Universal Soldier that was Born in East L.A., to come home to a job at DC Cab or even become a Mr. Mom watching the House and Kids while their wife is working at Mystic Pizza from 9 to 5 is the Best of the Best."

Mike from Brownsville Texas asks our commentators, 'controlling the borders is not only an issue of national security, but it also poses as a drain on our economy. What would you do to help secure our Borders.' I would actually like to let Mr. Shallett give the first response. Gene...

"When The Mexican feels a little Footloose and decides that Coming to America will be A Walk to Remember, make no mistake, these people ain't Searching for Bobby Fisher, they're after Easy Money. Problem is it's rightfully Other Peoples Money. And it won't take long before these Wonderboys starting getting a little Stir Crazy and start looking for some Hanky Panky. Soon enough your daughter's KNOCKED UP, and you find yourself GOING APES. But when the government's attempt to deport these Aliens turns into a Failure to Launch, good Americans like You, Me, and Dupree start feeling like Tough Guys and agree it's time to go Commando. So much so that we start spend so much time committed to the cause that we're practically Married To The Mob. So you tell these Ruthless People I think it's time for you to be Leaving Las Vegas, but they say Not Without My Daughter and now your locked in a real Catch 22. It's Risky Business for sure, but as Americans We gotta let these Meatballs know...they're the Outsiders.

Devil, would you like to respond? Devil?

"It looks like the Devil is in some type of Coma. I'd say this debate was a Victory for Shallet. I can't answer any more questions anyway. I left my daughter Home Alone. I have to make a call but my Cell is not working. I can't call from the Phone Booth down there because there are Men At Work making too much noise. So, I'll have to get a Taxi and probably am going to get stuck in Rush Hour. So, thank you for your time. I have to Go."

"There you have it. We'll see you next in the next round with Shallet vs. the next contender. Don't forget to vote on November 4th."

Dill Doughnuts

By Don Neely

I've never been much of a business man, although I'd like to be. One thing I am however is a guy who is hip with whats "in" in America. And in these modern times, the do it yourself empowerment of Emeril Lugassi mixed with the sudden influx of Whole Foods has given Americans a love for good organic foods with healthy ingrediants. So naturally I decided to use the latest health rage to my own advantage.

Now some folks got themselves a real sweet tooth if you know what I'm saying. Well I been told that I got a whole mouth full of sweet teeth. So that being said, I began asking myself, how can a guy like me, (you know a man of the times) satisfy said sweet teeth in an organic and healthy manner? So to Whole Foods I went.

I was pleasantly surprised with the amount of baked goods and pastry they had using alternative organic flour, however I did not find any doughnuts (you see doughnuts are my only vice). So I asked myself, "OK Donny, what would Emeril do now?" Well I tell you what he'd do. He'd make his OWN doughnuts, and he'd make a million bucks too. So that's what I was gonna do.

So to the drawing board I went. Being such a trend savy guy I knew that if I could invent an organic doughnut using creatively healthy ingrediants, I could get Whole Foods to sell them and make me rich.

So after a few days in the kitchen using the finest ingrediants Whole Foods sells, I cracked the recipe for Donny's Organic Doughnuts first official doughnut.

I figured I'd start off with the recipe that I came up with using Dill. I discovered that Dill gives doughnuts a real unexpected zesty flavor. And besides the Chili Powder doughnut just wasn't working out.Not yet anyway. Needs some tweaking.

Now like I said before, I'm not much of a business man, but I figured 'Donny, if your gonna sell a doughnut, you better get out there and make some phone calls'. So I get a phone number for a buyer at Whole Foods corporate and I made my very first sales call.

"Whole Foods new accounts purchasing you're speaking to Melinda how can I help you"

Stay cool Donnie, I thought to myself.

"Hey there Melinda, Donny here with an offer you just can't say no to."

"OK Donnie, I'm listening what do you got."

"DILLDOUGHNUTS!!!"

"EXCUSE ME?!?!"

"I gotta big ol' sacka DillDoughnuts here that are gonna make your mouth water."

"AHHHH..."

"Melinda I am LITERALLY HOLDING MY DILLDOUGHNUTS IN MY HANDS AS WE SPEAK, and let me tell ya Melinda...I want these DILLDOUGHNUTS IN MY MOUTH. I want YOU to want my DILLDOUGHNUTS, and most of all Melinda I want to see the faces of all those whole foods customers when I show up at Whole Foods and wip out my DILLDOUGHNUTS."

"SIR I REALLY DON'T THINK..."

"I'm gonna say come on and get one of Big Don's GIANT DILLDOUGHNUTS."

"UMMMMMM...."

"Come on Melinda. You'll love these giant DILLDOUGHNUTS so much that when you reach the middle, you'll tell yourself, 'If there was a way, I'd eat the hole too.'"

"Listen SIR I really don't think our customers are going to..."

"OH I KNOW what your customers are gonna do. It's gonna be a grand ol' day that EVERYONE'S gonna remember,when I display my DILLDOUGHNUTS down there at that Whole Foods. Come on Melinda close your eyes and picture it like I am doing right now. First a single mother comes by with little Johnny, who's like 'Mommy,Mommy what are THOSE', and of course being the enlightened mother, she'll look at my DILLDOUGHNUTS and say to little Johnny, 'NO!!' And I'll say, 'come on MOM, THESE DILLDOUGHNUTS ARE GOOD FOR THE BOY!! They'll put hair on his chest.' And LOOK MELINDA, here comes Granny, and she's saying, you know sonny It's been such a long long time since I've had anything like that, because you know I AM OLDER, but after just one look at those big tasty DILLDOUGHNUTS I JUST CAN'T RESIST. GO AHEAD AND PUT IT IN MY MOUTH AND I'LL PAY YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT!! And theres her husband, and HE SERVED HIS COUNTRY IN VIETNAM MELINDA!!! AND HE SAY's SAME HERE BOY GIVE ME THOSE DILLDOUGHNUTS I'm GOOD FOR THE MONEY, but I'll SAY NO SIR, I WILL NOT TAKE MONEY FROM A VETERAN FOR A TASTE OF BIG DON'S DILLDOUGHNUTS, THAT'S WHERE I DRAW THE LINE, I'M A MAN OF PRINCIPLE..."

CLICK!!!

"Damnit Donnie, you just can't keep your cool can ya" I asked myself. But you know something...SCREW WHOLE FOODS!! If they won't let me put my DILLDOUGHNUTS on their shelves because I refuse to charge a veteran then I don't need them anyway.

I guess that's just why I'm not a good business man. I got too much scruples. And even though I never sold doughnut one, I learned a valuable lesson about business. And at least I tried. But what are you gonna do. It's a free country and I can't force my DILLDOUGHNUTS on anyone.

Hey Shirley

2:26 PM : "Hey Shirley, I was thinking me and you could start a coffee fund up in the break room, you know start our own little coffee committee. Me and you could run it. What do you say? No? Well I tell you what Shirley I'll just get it started and I'll get back to you in a while with all the details."

2:31 PM : "Hey Shirley, about that coffee committee, I was thinking maybe we could get together tonight over some linguini and iron out all the kinks. No? Well think it over, 'cause I say we do it. I'll call my friend Domenick, he can get us a booth at Giovanni's. OK I see you're busy. I'll just talk to you after you get out of the ladies room."

2:49 PM : "Hey Shirley you in here? Get your goddamn hands off me Alice!! I'm checking on Shirley she's been in here for 18 minutes. Shirley!!Shirley, I'm sorry Alice is being impossible, it looks like I'm gonna have to leave the ladies room. I'll be outside smoking a Kool, we'll talk about the coffee committee later. Are you leaving at 3 Shirl? Damnit Alice don't push!!"

3:03 PM : "Hey Shirley, Oh I'm so sorry, did I startle you? I was putting some posterboards for the coffee committee in your hatchback and I must have been low on pottassium because I konked right out back here. Oh ok, I'll get out. Hey Shirl, about tonight I need your new phone number I haven't been able to...."

4:18 PM : "Hey Shirley, I was on my way back from Kinko's when I noticed you're paperboy was out on his route. Figured I'd save him a trip.What a foul mouth that kid has, huh? Don't worry about tipping him out this week I took care of it for ya. Shirl? Shirl? Hey Shirley don't you want your newspaper? It's alright I'll just leave it on your porch here."

5:04 PM : "Hey Shirley, I didn't know you took yoga here too. Small world aint it? Say who was that guy that punched me out on your porch? Excuse me sir theres no reason to push, I'm simply trying to sample a yoga class before I committ to enrollment. What's that? This is womens yoga only? Well that's clearly biased. Come on Shirl we don't need these guys. Shirl? You coming Shirl? No?"

6:01 PM : "Hey Shirley, you just getting out of Yoga now? I thought it was only an hour long class. So listen, about Giovanni's, it doesn't look good. I called my friend Domenick, and he's been holding this grudge over my head for a long time now. Long story short, we're gonna have to do dinner at your place. What's that Shirley? Your gonna kick me in the balls? Come on Shirley I'm upset too about our dinner plans not working out but OWWW!! My God Shirl you accidentally maced me.AHHH GEEZ that stings.OK So I guess I'll see you at work tomorow Shirl? Shirl?"

7:30 AM : "Hey Shirley about that restraining order, how do you want to handle that with regards to the coffee committee?..."

2055: The Genesis of the Early Prog Party

The year is 2055, the place is Birmingham, England.

An elderly woman and her grandson are in the attic of a house looking through an old chest.

"Grandma, what's this?"

"Well, let me see here. That looks like a portable DVD player."

"Wow!! Do you think it works?"

"Let's go downstairs and have a look."

They walk down the attic stairs and plug it in.

"Wonder what DVD is in here." says the old woman "Go ahead and hit the eject button Davie."

Davie pushes the eject button and out comes a DVD labeled PHILLIP FOR PM.

"Oh my God!" Grandma says with an elated gasp.

"What Grandma, what?"

"This is your Great-Grandfather's DVD before he became Prime Minister of England. It is looked upon as one of the greatest political moments since Winston Chruchill spoke during World War II."

"Cool! Let's watch it!"

They crowd around the DVD player and turn the volume way up. On the screen a short, bald man full of passion, takes the podium and prepares to address a massive crowd in front of the British Parliament building.

"Is that him?"

"Yes, Davie, that is your Great-grandfather Philip."

"Ladies and Gentleman. Today is election day. So, I ask you, my fellow countrymen, to give me one more night, give me just one more night.Cause I can't wait forever. I know there'll never be a time you'll ever feel the same."

(Applause from thousands in downtown London)

"And I know it's only words. But, if you change your mind, you know that I'll be here. And maybe we both can learn."

" I know many of you reporters, and my opponent Mr. Gabriel, have been bad mouthing me during this campaign. And all I can say is that, Well you can tell everyone I'm a down disgrace, and drag my name all over the place. I don't care anymore. "

Philip pumps his fist in the air and the crowd responds with a passionate nationalism not seen since Germany in the late 1930s.

"What's important is that we all see that there's too many men, too many people, making too many problems, and not much love to go 'round. Cant you see? This is a land of confusion. Take Poverty for example. Now, poverty is an issue in the world. And on that topic, I'd like to tell you a story. It's about a lady. She calls out to the man on the street, 'Sir, can you help me? It's cold and I've nowhere to sleep. Is there somewhere you can tell me?' He walks on, doesn't look back, he pretends he can't hear her. He starts to whistle as he crosses the street, seems embarassed to be there.'"

The crowd responds with sympathy.

"This is not the Britain I know. The Britain I know would think twice. Some would say it's just another day for you and me in paradise. But I WOULD NOT!! Just think about it."

"Now, my opponent, he refuses to believe it. He will run this country into the ground. And I say to him, 'I have seen it before my friend. And I saw it with my own two eyes. So I say to him, you can wipe off that grin, I know where you've been, It's all been a pack of lies!"

The crowd erupts with cheers and starts chanting Philip! Philip!

"On a lighter, more personal note, I know some of you are asking if I am elected, then who will the first lady be? Well,. There's this girl that's been on my mind all the time, Now she don't even know my name. But I think she likes me just the same. She is wonderful She has a built in ability to take everything she sees. And now it seems Im falling, falling for her. " he says shyly.

The crowd collectively awws and a single voice with a heavy British accent yells 'Congratulations' from within the crowd. Philip lifts his head back up and the passion returns to his eyes.

"I know victory is on the horizon for this campaign. I can feel it. I can feel it coming in the air tonight."

The screen goes blank.

"Wow, Grandma. I didn't know he was so great."

"A great man he was."

"Can I go play outside Grandma?"

"Sure, Davie, sure."

Davie stops at the coat rack and turns around and says to his Grandma, "Should I put on my parka?"

Grandma rises from her chair, takes off her glasses,places her hand in front of her heart and says,

"Davie, this is your Great-Grandfather's country. And as he always said, 'No Jacket Required.'"

The End.