So it appears that you made it through the horrifying tale of Count Groovula, and the story of Nuclear Walkman-Man may have only enticed your taste for terror. Well then the boys at 3OW got a story that is so mortifying, even your funky-ass moderator can't handle this shit. So brace yourself for the third and FINAL ACT of the 3OW trilogy of terror....The Devil vs. Gene Shallett!! BWUHAHAHAHA!!!
In honor of the upcoming election, I'd like to take some questions from our listeners regarding some of the issues. Here we have 2 experts who are well-known and not affiliated with any party. First, we have The Devil. Known to many as Lucifer, the Devil has a degree from Duke University and has a long record, from attempting to assassinate the Pope and introducing reality shows to American television. Second, we have Gene Shallett. Gene is a world-reknown movie critic famous for his humorous reviews on early morning shows. Genetleman, good evening. Our first call is from Sandra in Nebraska. She asks, "How would unite the country and eliniate partisanship" Devil, I'll start with you.
"Thanks Bobby. Well, I think the key to unity in this country is cocaine. Now, I know what you are thinking. Oh, it's just the devil being the devil and whatever he says isn't true. Well that's BULLSHIT REEGER! Anyway, cocaine is the only thing that white, god fearing aristocrats and poor black people have in common. They all like it. One sells to the other. It's simple. This would in turn increase our participation in NAFTA and relations with Colombia an put additional pressure on the Socialist government of Venezuela led by Hugo Chavez, tax immigrants smuggling cocaine in the US, and increase productivity.
"Interesting."
Gene?
"Well, Apparently the Devil wears Prada, because the last time Cocaine did anything for us was Tommy Boy. Listen I'm all for Pumping Up the Volume in the West Wing, but when you start letting Drugstore Cowboys hang out Where the Buffalo Roam then you got Problem Child 2. I think the Short Circuit in this country is related to one Thing. That's ignoring the Buddy System. Sure, we have Irreconcilable Differences but if our Children of the Corn unite with our City Slickers then we can become friends. You might say we have Nothing in Common, however, Trading Places for one minute will make all our differences Gone in 60 seconds.
Another viewer asked how do we tackle terrorism while also building our economy. This is from Jake in California.
Devil, I"ll start with you.
"Gene, if it weren't for my love for the smell of popcorn, you'd be a goner. And that deal we made regarding your Fame, it's off! Terrorism is cool man. I haven't had this much fun since the medieval times. It's like and action movie for me. People Blowing up each other. What a rush. Makes me want to do what I talked about in my first answer. As for the economy. I don't go there. I can make people rich and poor but the economy is like a boring version of me making you bet your house on a roulette wheel. Actually, it's kind of inhumane, if you ask me. My style is quick. I make you a rock star, you become rich and famous. Next thing you're broke and doing covers of your own songs at Happy Hour at Chili's. So, I don't know. It's just kind of not my genre."
Gene?
"Well, terrorism is a tricky thing. We have our Delta Forces infiltrating Behind Enemy Lines. It's the terrain, mountinaous. These Hills have Eyes I tell you. And when we engage the Village, sometimes these foreigners are Unfaithful. When W. said Bring It On. He meant every word of it. Those terrorists were Running Scared in Every Which Way But Loose. They have Nowhere to Run and No Way Out. So, our Warriors must be the Brave One and your average Joe Dirt and Private Benjamin have to get Bustin' Loose. Cause if they don't use their wits, they'll be Better Off Dead What we need is for these Leatherheads to come home to the American dream. For a Universal Soldier that was Born in East L.A., to come home to a job at DC Cab or even become a Mr. Mom watching the House and Kids while their wife is working at Mystic Pizza from 9 to 5 is the Best of the Best."
Mike from Brownsville Texas asks our commentators, 'controlling the borders is not only an issue of national security, but it also poses as a drain on our economy. What would you do to help secure our Borders.' I would actually like to let Mr. Shallett give the first response. Gene...
"When The Mexican feels a little Footloose and decides that Coming to America will be A Walk to Remember, make no mistake, these people ain't Searching for Bobby Fisher, they're after Easy Money. Problem is it's rightfully Other Peoples Money. And it won't take long before these Wonderboys starting getting a little Stir Crazy and start looking for some Hanky Panky. Soon enough your daughter's KNOCKED UP, and you find yourself GOING APES. But when the government's attempt to deport these Aliens turns into a Failure to Launch, good Americans like You, Me, and Dupree start feeling like Tough Guys and agree it's time to go Commando. So much so that we start spend so much time committed to the cause that we're practically Married To The Mob. So you tell these Ruthless People I think it's time for you to be Leaving Las Vegas, but they say Not Without My Daughter and now your locked in a real Catch 22. It's Risky Business for sure, but as Americans We gotta let these Meatballs know...they're the Outsiders.
Devil, would you like to respond? Devil?
"It looks like the Devil is in some type of Coma. I'd say this debate was a Victory for Shallet. I can't answer any more questions anyway. I left my daughter Home Alone. I have to make a call but my Cell is not working. I can't call from the Phone Booth down there because there are Men At Work making too much noise. So, I'll have to get a Taxi and probably am going to get stuck in Rush Hour. So, thank you for your time. I have to Go."
"There you have it. We'll see you next in the next round with Shallet vs. the next contender. Don't forget to vote on November 4th."
So it appears that you're brave enough to return for ACT II of the Trilogy of Terror!! Well if Nuclear Walkman-man didn't scare you to your core, than I warn you, 'Count Groovula: the Psychadelic Bloodsucker' is gonna MUTHAFUNKA!!!
An Expose on the latest threat to the youth of America
by Gordon T. Appollo
Meet George and Pauline Faulkner. They are a typical couple in these modern times...George a forklift operator at a local automobile plant while Pauline makes a fine homemaker.
They sit in the parlor of their modest house in the suburban outskirts of Detroit, holding a picture of their oldest son Lenny.
Like so many parents in 1967, George and Pauline have not seen their oldest Son in quite some time. They stay awake late into the night worrying about his where abouts and general wellbeing;George punching doors while Pauline clutches her Rosary Beads.
The reason for all this worry? Well let's just say that he's not honorably fighting off the Communist Reds in Vietnam. No, like many of our nations troubled youth, Lenny grew his hair long like a girl and started listening to Rock groups like Strawberry Alarm Clock and the Dave Clark Five.Not long after that, Lenny ran off to San Francisco, seeking to sabotage the American way of life.
And George and Pauline are not alone in their distress...
The numbers of teenagers who have deserted their families to join the hippy counterculture in the last year have been staggering. It has been estimated that by 1971, 87% of American's between the ages of 14 to 29 will be living on the streets of San Francisco. And once they get there, they will be introduced to a life of excessive indulgance in Pyschadelic drugs, such as Morning Glory Seeds, Magic Mushrooms, and the dreaded LSD 25.
And as if that isn't a terrifying notion enough, there is a new threat facing the estimated 2 million teenagers that have fled to the Height Ashbury disctrict of San Francisco. And this new threat has locked it's sights on the jugular of the "love generation".
Since 1622 Count Vladimir the XIV has lived an almost urban legend like existince of an Eastern European vampire. Today,he goes by the name Count Groovula, and he spends his nights lurking the streets of the Height Ashbury disctrict searching for victims. Specifically young runaway's trying to break in to the hippy scene.
I recently sat down with both George and Pauline, as well as Count Groovula for an exclusive interview. I feel it is my duty to warn you, this interview will terrify you to your very CORE!
"George, Pauline...let me thank you for letting me into your home, and may I extend my deepest sympathy.It must be very hard for you to face your neighbors."
"Thank you Sir." Replied George
"Now, I must warn you I will be introducing you to Count Groovula in just a few minutes, but first... tell me about Lenny."
"Well Lenny always was a good boy, and we hope he's alright.Lenny if your reading this we love you, please just come home." Pauline stated before her husband interrupted.
"He's a GODDAMN BUM!!
"What's that now?" I asked
"You heard me!...LENNY! He's A NO GOOD BUM!!And when he comes home with his tail between his legs he's gonna get the BELT SO HARD THAT HE'S GONNA..."
"GEORGE!! Please this is going to be in Life Magazine." Pauline pleaded
"I'm sorry Honey. It's just that I get so GODDD-DAMMMN FRUSTRATED!!!IF YOU'RE READING THIS LENNY, I KNOW YOU'RE ON THE POT!!"George then stood and paced back and forth,rubbing his hands through his receeding hairline."Jesus Christ, I knew letting him watch that fuckin Ed Sullivan Show was a bad idea...I OUGHTTA KICK ED SULLIVAN's ASS YOU KNOW!! I REALLY OUGHTA JUST KICK SULLIVAN'S..."
"GEORGE PLEASE THAT'S ENOUGH!!" His wife insisted.
After a brief moment to let George cool down I sent my assistant Johnny to get Count Groovula who had been patiently waiting in the Faulkners garage.
The count made his way into the parlor; his presence nothing short of horrifying.
He still wears his traditional 17th century suit,which he has now completely tie-dyed with a bright purple cape. He flashes his fangs and a peace sign at the time...truly terrifying.
"Count Vladimir"I started
"My name is COUNT GROOVULA"
"OK, Count Groovula it is then. How long have you been living in San Francisco?"
"Since 19 hundred and 65. Right after I started listening to those DAMN ROLLING STONES the kids like so much."
"I'm sorry, but Count, you look so familiar. Where do I know you from?" Pauline interrupted.
"You don't know me. You DEFINITELY DON'T KNOW ME" He replied
"Tell us Count Groovula, what is it like being a vampire in San Francisco?" I asked.
"Are you kidding me Buster? San Francisco is really the cat's Meow."
"UMMM don't you mean it's Far Out COUNT GROOVULA?!?!"
"Right...Right on. San Francisco is Far Out."
"And just what is so "FAR OUT" about San Francisco."
"Look it's real easy for a fella like me out there. I see one of those damn long hairs, I bite his neck and then I'm high on LSD all night. What's not far out about that?"
"I'll tell you what's not "FAR OUT" about that! You got these mixed up kids who are out wandering around these San Francisco flop house's, and before they're even able to come to their sense's they're murdered by Vampires in some dark alley."
"Well hey, I don't always kill them. Some of them just turn into vampires too."
"So you're not the only hippy vampire out there?"
"Oh no. Not anymore. I was at first. And then I bit this one young fella's neck who was on Acid, and it got ME stoned too. I spent the whole night grooving out to Strawberry Alarm Clock and the Dave Clark Five. The next day I realized that I had stumbled upon LSD, and all it takes is one trip to get addicted."
"If you had to guess, Count Groovula, just how many hippy vampires are now living in San Francisco?"
"Oh...I don't know. I guess about 60,000 or so."
"That is a truly terrifying thought."
"Of course it is. To a SQUARE like YOU!!"
"I GOT IT, St. Theresa's right!! You're the man that used to sit near the back and try to sneak out early" Pauline interrupted
"Look, Lady I told you don't know me now quit yer pesterin'." Replied Groovula
"Getting back to the interview"I continued" Recent rumors have circulated at an attempt to discredit tales of kids under the influence of an acid trip jumping off of buildings because they thought they could fly. Have YOU ever jumped from a building thinking you could fly due to a bad LSD trip?"
"OH YEAH,All the time!! but I just turn into a bat. But I've seen lots of kids jump off of buildings while they were on....hey listen. I aint had a bite all day, I see you got some powdered doughnuts on the counter. Would you mind if i just grab one Mrs. Faulkner? Is that alright with you Appollo, lets take 5 huh?"
"UMM NO COUNT GROOVULA, VAMPIRES ONLY DRINK BLOOD REMEMBER?!?!" I reminded Groovula
"Hey Fuck you Buster, I'm taking five for a doughnut and a smoke.You got any beers in there George?"
"OH MY GOD YOU'RE WALTER MATHAU!! That's how I know you. Can you believe it George, Walter Matthau is in our home."
"Well Holy Smoke, it IS Walter Matthau!! Wait'll I tell the guys at the plant."
"I'm NOT WALTER MATTHAU, I'M COUNT GROOVULA."
"Yes that's right, this is the dreaded Count Groovula, the latest terror to our nations youth." I added
"We just LOVED you in 'A Guide For the Married Man'."Pauline added
"OH YEAH THAT WAS A REAL HOOT!!Great job Matthau"
"Look for the last time my name is COUNT GROOVULA I'm a hippy vampire from San Francisco, NOT WALTER MATTHAU."
"Pauline get the camera let's get a picture with Matthau. Boy is your old man gonna be jealous."
"It's true, my father is such a fan of your work."
I attempted to regain control of the interview
"Look lets settle down and get back to the interview with Count Groovula, please Pauline, just put the camera away, the man's a vampire he doesn't show up on film."
"Oh to hell with it. Johnny take me to the Bus Stop." Groovula stated as he walked out without saying goodbye.
I now fear the worse, as Groovula has evaded my original plans to set him up to be arrested and is on his way back to San Francisco where the crime rate is so high, there is virtually no way of apprehending a murderer.
So to the parents of American teenagers I'll just say this; I urge you to stop your kids from joining the hippy counterculture. If not for the sake of their own lives, for the sake of the country. After all, there are now an estimated 60,000 vampires living in the U.S. all thanks to those DAMN LONGHAIRS.
David Thorne was an MIT student doing an internship at the Northeastern Nuclear Power Research Center during the great radiation leak of 1988. While the alarms blared, and the facility was evacuated, young David sat through the entire incident, unaware of the catastrophy he was enduring. He never heard the alarms because he had his walkman on full volume; a mixed tape of Huey Lewis and the News kept him distracted. By the time he made it out of the toxic site he was devoured by radio-active molecules which had permanently fused his DNA with the now SUPER-CHARGED walkman; the batteries of which would NEVER DIE.
David survived the incident and went on to become a world renown scientist, despite the fact that the incident had left him with his walkman permanently fused into his writing hand.The Huey Lewis mix tape blares through the headphones he can never remove from his ears to this very day.Brilliant, resilliant, radioactive. David Thorne IS......Nuclear Walkman-Man!!!
We join our hero at a commencement ceremony welcoming him to his new job as a librarian at the East Greenwich Public Library in East Greenwich Rhode Island.
Governor Don Carcieri puts on a shit eating grin and takes the podium as onlookers including the class of 2010 at the East Greenwich middle school look on...
"Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls, and all-round friends of the Library, It is with my deepest honor today to welcome the world renowned nuclear physicist David Thorne into our community as an ambassador to our educational and cultural resources and development."
As the crowd burst into applause, 13 year old Charlie Majors stands with his best friend Dyllan Johnson and begin joking around as they try to kill the boredom of this field trip to their town library.
"Dude I dare you to call the Governor a douchebag." says Charlie
"No way, I'll totally get busted. You do it. You haven't had inhouse all month."
"Give me a buck and I'll do it."
"Deal"
"And as proud governor of the Ocean State I made sure those workers lost their pensions, which are now paying for such things as snacks to be served at today's event..."
"DOUCHEBAG"
The Governors shit eating grin grew twice as large as he gave a thumbs up to the crowd.
"Let's cut to the chase and welcome the REAL man of honor here today, Please welcome, YOUR NEW LIBRARIAN, Proffessor David Thorne"
The crowd burst into applause as this prestigous member of the scientific community was welcomed into their local community. As David came out waving his walkman hand "hello" to the audience, the applause grew to an awkward silence. Governor Carcieri reached out to shake David's hand and was met in return with his walkman, which he shook while pretending to get an electric shock from. The shit eating grin came back for this sure-fire photo-op, and the crowd grew completely silent from their own shock and braced themselves for Davids acceptace speech.
David made his way to the podium but tried to gauge where to stand, slightly self conscious of the fact that the noise of the walkman would not only blare over the speakers, but also aware of his own habit of constantly yelling over his Walkman. He found his spot and dove right in.
"THANK YOU EAST GREENWICH, IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE HERE, GREAT TO BE A LIBRARIAN, GREAT TO BE YOUR LIBRARIAN I SHOULD SAY"
IT'S HIP TO BE SQARE....HIP TO BE SQUAARE
Governor Carcieri quickly cuts in to his space to wrap up the ceremony.
"And the State of Rhode Island thanks you David. Now let's go enjoy the library everyone. HECK, I might even rent a DVD - HA,HA,HA" - the shit eating grin was larger then ever as he attempted to cut the awkward tension of the now bewildered crowd."Lets get the hell out of here" he then whispered to his assistant and was quickly driven away in the back of a Limo.
Inside the library David took his post behind the main desk. He folded his arms to make his presence known - he would be a no nonsense Librarian.
The Middle School kids as well as the adults browsed for books and as he came near they buried their face in the first book in front of him, all but two people did that...Charlie and Dyllan.
David made his way to the 2 class clowns who were sitting at a table sending obscene text messages to their female classmates and laughing, disturbing the other readers.
"HEY THIS IS A LIBRARY THERES NO CLOWNING AROUND IN HERE. PEOPLE ARE HERE TO READ AND YOUR DISTURBING THEM, SO KEEP IT DOWN."
-Where else can you do a half a million things, all at a quarter to three
"I'm sorry I can't hear you buddy you want to turn that IPOD down"
"IPOD!! WHAT THE...IPOD!!! YOU LITTLE MOTHERFUCKERS!!"
"Hey, Hey, that's enough." chimed in Ms. Williams, the boys Science teacher and field trip chaperone.
"WELL THEY STARTED IT."
"I don't care WHO started you don't talk to my students like that."
"WHAT DO YOU JUST LET THEM RUN BUTT FUCKER WILD OR SOMETHING? I MEAN WHAT KIND OF TEACHER ARE YOU ANYWAYS LADY? YOU KNOW BACK AT MIT WHEN I WAS A PROFFESSOR SOME FUCKING JACKASS MADE A FACE AT ME, YOU KNOW MAKING FUN OF ME, MAKING FUN OF HUEY LEWIS,I DON'T KNOW, MAKING FUN OF SOMETHING, AND I STALKED HIM FOR A MONTH UNTIL I FOUND HIM AT A BAR IN CAMBRIDGE AND I SLASHED THE TIRES ON HIS WHELLCHAIR"
-Don't take money, don't take fame, don't take no credit card to ride on this train...
"Ohh myyy Goddd, you are a lunatic Mister and I'm gonna petition to have you fired from this library."
"HA! GOOD LUCK WITH THAT! YOU CAN'T FIRE ME I GOT CARCIERI IN MY BACK POCKET COMPLETELY PAYING HIM OFF HAVE BEEN EVER SINCE I MET HIM WHEN WE GAVE THE GRADUATION SPEECH FOR BROWN UNIVERSITY IN 2004! I OWN CARCIERI. HE'S MY BITCH, AND NOW YOU KNOW BUT WHO WILL EVER BELIEVE YOU!!!"
It was then that David remembered he was yelling over a walkman in front of a room full of witnesses and the entire library grew completely silent...
-Yes it's truuuueee
- I'm So Happy to be Stuck With You...
Let us here at 3OW be the first to say HAPPY HALLOWEEN MUTHAFUNKA'S
This month our stories will be particualarly twisted in honor of the proud tradition of the trilogy of terror!!!!READ THEM AT YOUR OWN FUNKIN' RISK!!!!
